Through My Eyes

Some people say I talk too much, that I always have a story to tell. I don't know what's round the corner so my blog is about life through my eyes and making every day count.

Archive for the tag “shoes”

I’m The start of a new normal!

Defining the word normal is not easy, what is normal to one person is strange to another.

When I got told I had to have a mastectomy I was not upset at all, I was more annoyed at the inconvenience that and in my mind the sooner I had it done the sooner I could get back to normal. You get assigned a Macmillan nurse when you get cancer, someone who is there at any time to answer any questions you have or just for general support. My
nurse said to me that after my operation I need to find a new normal. At the time I thought what a strange comment but it’s only now I fully understand what she meant.

Nights out for me didn’t happen very often but when they did I would be known for wearing the shortest dress and biggest heels! I love clothes so getting dressed up was a real treat!
So New year this year I decided I was well enough for a night out…..2 hours later after trying on 10 dresses I chucked on a pair of jeans and some heels and was ready.
There’s nothing better than putting on a little dress, looking in the mirror at a great figure and feeling a million dollars, going out knowing you will turn heads. Sounds a bit arrogant but give a girl the right outfit and right pair of shoes and they can conquer the world!
Unfortunately that’s not the case for me, I put on a dress now, look in the mirror and just see a deformed overweight frumpy looking horror! When I tell people that’s how I see myself they just humour me and say don’t be silly but it’s not exactly like they are going to agree! The thing is that I know all it takes is a bit of exercise and my confidence will come back but I’m in no state to exercise as I’m still sore from the operation and get a lot of pain so not sure what the solution is yet.
So new year I wore jeans out but I couldn’t wear jeans last night when we attended a racing awards dinner with a dress code.
The dress I ended up wearing was one I never thought I would wear. I bought it online from an expensive boutique but when it arrived I hated it, it looked far too long and I didn’t like the material. I forgot to send it back but who would have thought a year later I would be so glad I had it.
When I put it on I couldn’t believe how long it was, it was knee length, the longest dress I have ever worn! That aside it was the most flattering out of all my dresses and I felt classy and smart all night.
This is where the new normal comes in, a year ago I would never be seen in a knee length dress, all mine were mini dresses some even backless or low cut showing lots of flesh! I can’t imagine ever being confident enough to dress like that again so now I need to adjust to a different look even if it’s not what I normally go for. I need to Make these changes my new normal
So when I get dressed up to go out I still feel a million dollars but don’t have to worry about my scars and war wounds as such being on show!
It’s going to be difficult but hopefully in time this new change will become my normal and my confidence will build back up. Even now when I go shopping I need to get into the habit of looking at different clothes and different styles! I’m not going to be one of those overweight people that wear clothes that look too small for them or show off far more flesh that anyone wants to see!
Its funny because I now realise that it’s not just a case of having an operation then back to normal like I hoped. So much had changed for me. I refuse to let cancer win and take over my life so rather than continue trying to get it s
How it was I need to concentrate on finding my new normal!

Thundersport motorcycle racing awards dinner and the frumpy black dress I didn’t like!!

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Shopping – I used to enjoy it!

One of the main things I love to do is Shop! I’m no millionaire with money to burn but I work hard vas like to treat myself every now and again!!
Since my operation we decided to get a new bed, out old one wasn’t very comfortable and comfort is important after a big operation!
The bed arrived yesterday to my delight! It has a lot of storage underneath which I took it upon myself to store all my shoes! At the same time I decided it was maybe time to chuck out a lot of pairs and get some new ones!!

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So after sorting shoes my mum picked me up and we drove to Newcastle for shopping, something I normally love!
When we arrived it was so busy but normally I don’t mind so we excitedly entered the Shopping Centre. Within about half an hour I felt so hot, not just warm but hot! A downside to the Tamoxifen tablets! After taking off 2 layers I felt much better and carried on shopping.
Normally I can just look at a dress or top and know it will fit and won’t even need to try it on! Since my operation I don’t have as much confidence and not only that don’t know what looks good and doesn’t.
It seemed every dress I tried Looked hideous and every top I tried on just reminded me of the operation iv had done and had me worrying if you can tell!
In the end I couldn’t even be bothered, I was so hot and stressed I just wanted to go home. My bags were heavy but not with nice shopping but just the layers iv taken off and have to carry!
I stopped by John Lewis and decided it was time to buy a better bra, it’s only early days so I can’t have underwire yet but wanted something a bit more attractive than the sports bras iv been wearing!
After the lady measured me she brought me a selection of bras to try and to be honest the whole thing just made me more stressed. I think it was a wake up call as to what iv had done. I realised I can’t put a nice bra on anymore and feel sexy and want to show it off, now it’s just a case of trying to cover the scars and marks rather than show off what iv had done.
My mum kept asking what was wrong so it must have been obvious I wasn’t happy but I just smiled and said nothing. In the end I just bought The bra to keep the woman happy even though it was Calvin Klein and cost a fortune!
In the car on the way home I just felt deflated, i had spent a good afternoon in a hot sweat surrounded my manic Christmas shoppers vas only come away with an expensive Bra I didn’t really want!

I think the whole experience is just another example of how my life has changed, gone are the days I swanned round a shop picking up items of clothing I know will look good, now I don’t know what will look good and have to try everything on, something that isn’t fun at Christmas time while suffering side effects of Tamoxifen!

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