Through My Eyes

Some people say I talk too much, that I always have a story to tell. I don't know what's round the corner so my blog is about life through my eyes and making every day count.

Archive for the tag “life”

More NHS let downs 

In previous posts I have talked about many experiences with the NHS good and bad, I have referred back to experiences I have had when dealing with Breast Cancer but also experiences I have regularly with my daughters asthma problems. 
So here we are again, being g in hospital is not unusual for Megan. As mentioned in previous posts we have regular trips to the hospital with wheezing and chest issues. This year it has escalated to a new level and a lot more serious. When things get more serious and more life threatening it means I rely on the experts more to help me and Megan and get her the best treatment in the fastest time possible. Unfortunately that hasn’t happened this time and I feel due to massive NHS failures we have ended up back in ICU in a very serious condition. 

Without going into detail of each individual situation I have witnessed so many floors in the system that I wonder why I pay my national insurance. I have witnessed A&E doctors yawning throughout examining patients and complain of being tired. I have witnessed doctors looking at X-rays and missing the fact there’s a huge infection on a lung. 6 hour waiting times in A&E with a girl having an asthma attack left untreated. The list goes on. Its worrying when it takes 10 minutes or less for a child to die of asthma. It’s so worrying and the reality is that it’s not Getting any better, I read on the news weekly about various cuts being made to funding, hospitals being closed, services cut. Staff work all ours for very little pay and then are so tired they are putting people’s lives at risk, I pay my taxes yet it seems the more we pay the less we get. Don’t get me wrong the NHS do some amazing things and it’s not all bad, I give credit to the staff that work all hours and save lives and do wonderful things. Unfortunately I can’t say I have experienced anything positive lately and it really makes me concerned about the future of our health service 

Results are back….

So the 3 month wait for my genetic  test result is over….

Got the letter the other day to say I don’t have the gene that means I’m more prone to getting cancer back. Obviously I’m more at risk anyway but I’m not going to worry about that, the fact it’s not genetic is a huge weight off my shoulders and reduces the chances of it returning so happy days!! 

It’s a good job really because I start a new job Monday and at my interview I told them I’m perfectly fine now. Of course that’s not a lie and i was as honest as I could be but imagine if the genetic test had come back positive and I had to have more preventive operations, that would have been rubbish for both me and my new employer so I’m so glad it’s one less thing to worry about when I start my new job Monday!! 

When my results came in I was so pleased but it did leave me thinking about the people who were opening letters to say Otis genetic for them, it brings a whole new worry in itself and must be so hard to have to deal with that and the revisions that come with it. It’s life changing for so many reasons, some people may be forced to have operations they didn’t expect to ever have, other ladies may want children or more children and genetic cancer can really effect decisions like that. Thankfully I don’t have to worry about that for the time bein but really sympathising with the people that do. 

I’m The start of a new normal!

Defining the word normal is not easy, what is normal to one person is strange to another.

When I got told I had to have a mastectomy I was not upset at all, I was more annoyed at the inconvenience that and in my mind the sooner I had it done the sooner I could get back to normal. You get assigned a Macmillan nurse when you get cancer, someone who is there at any time to answer any questions you have or just for general support. My
nurse said to me that after my operation I need to find a new normal. At the time I thought what a strange comment but it’s only now I fully understand what she meant.

Nights out for me didn’t happen very often but when they did I would be known for wearing the shortest dress and biggest heels! I love clothes so getting dressed up was a real treat!
So New year this year I decided I was well enough for a night out…..2 hours later after trying on 10 dresses I chucked on a pair of jeans and some heels and was ready.
There’s nothing better than putting on a little dress, looking in the mirror at a great figure and feeling a million dollars, going out knowing you will turn heads. Sounds a bit arrogant but give a girl the right outfit and right pair of shoes and they can conquer the world!
Unfortunately that’s not the case for me, I put on a dress now, look in the mirror and just see a deformed overweight frumpy looking horror! When I tell people that’s how I see myself they just humour me and say don’t be silly but it’s not exactly like they are going to agree! The thing is that I know all it takes is a bit of exercise and my confidence will come back but I’m in no state to exercise as I’m still sore from the operation and get a lot of pain so not sure what the solution is yet.
So new year I wore jeans out but I couldn’t wear jeans last night when we attended a racing awards dinner with a dress code.
The dress I ended up wearing was one I never thought I would wear. I bought it online from an expensive boutique but when it arrived I hated it, it looked far too long and I didn’t like the material. I forgot to send it back but who would have thought a year later I would be so glad I had it.
When I put it on I couldn’t believe how long it was, it was knee length, the longest dress I have ever worn! That aside it was the most flattering out of all my dresses and I felt classy and smart all night.
This is where the new normal comes in, a year ago I would never be seen in a knee length dress, all mine were mini dresses some even backless or low cut showing lots of flesh! I can’t imagine ever being confident enough to dress like that again so now I need to adjust to a different look even if it’s not what I normally go for. I need to Make these changes my new normal
So when I get dressed up to go out I still feel a million dollars but don’t have to worry about my scars and war wounds as such being on show!
It’s going to be difficult but hopefully in time this new change will become my normal and my confidence will build back up. Even now when I go shopping I need to get into the habit of looking at different clothes and different styles! I’m not going to be one of those overweight people that wear clothes that look too small for them or show off far more flesh that anyone wants to see!
Its funny because I now realise that it’s not just a case of having an operation then back to normal like I hoped. So much had changed for me. I refuse to let cancer win and take over my life so rather than continue trying to get it s
How it was I need to concentrate on finding my new normal!

Thundersport motorcycle racing awards dinner and the frumpy black dress I didn’t like!!


Tick Tock… Tick Tock…


So Life is good at the moment, well all things considered!

We have been living in the house a year now and it is going great, slowly adding our own personal touch to it and making it wonderful!

Megan’s karting is great and we love our race weekends away racing as well as our weekends at home in the garden. I have a lovely family that make me very happy and all is blissfully good!!

So the scene was this…. It was one sunny afternoon, sat in the garden with a cold cider with the BBQ on and the sun on my face, Megan was playing on the trampoline and my Husband Gardening! I suddenly thought how nice it would be to have more children running round the garden! It had never occurred to me before that I might want more children but now that I have almost everything I could want, a family, the perfect house etc I thought actually it could be something to think about. A little brother or sister for Megan, what would she think to that!!

Following the thoughts of cute baby grows and family bbq’s, my mind strayed to my health and my age, Whilst I am only 32 I am on Tamoxifen for 10 years and I would have to come off that in order to have more children. This would not be an easy decision to make. For a start I was advised I need to be on it for at least 3 years! Currently I am at 2 years and 7 months so got a while to go yet before I could even consider it, then I would have to be off it for a while before trying and then there’s the risk involved.

Coming off Tamoxifen would mean I am at an increased risk of the cancer returning. The consultant couldn’t give me any exact figures but just said the risk would be increased. Now I am never one known for playing it safe, If I want something I am normally happy to take a risk to get it however when the risk is my health I can’t rush into anything. I just keep thinking in my head that if I had another baby and then in a years’ time something happened and I got the cancer back then I couldn’t live with myself knowing I had played a part in that by coming off the tamoxifen.

I know it sounds a bit extreme but imagine if it got really bad and got worse and then I left my family all for another baby. I am maybe over thinking it but these are all the things going through my head. Should I concentrate on the family I have got and not be selfish or should I run the risk of it coming back to extend my family further.

These are all things I have been thinking about then to add to it all my consultant says that due to some new guidelines or something I now fall into the category of genetic testing to see if my cancer was caused by a faulty gene! I will write another blog post on this as it’s a whole new drama in itself but it gives me even more to think about as could seriously affect decisions over having children. I am currently waiting for some genetic test results to come back but trying not to think about that at the moment!

In an ideal world I wouldn’t even be having this dilemma now and would just go with the flow and see what happens but in the back of my mind all I can hear is Tick Tock Tick Tock which is the timer running down as I get older and my window for having more children gets smaller! I am only 32 so maybe need to calm down a bit as I have a few years yet but time seems to go so fast. I Didn’t worry about age till I hit 30 but now I’m looking ahead to 40!

I did put some posts on a forum to speak to anyone that has been in this situation and come off Tamoxifen to have children but not a lot came back. I have spoken to some people at work who are a little older than me and they say they wouldn’t even risk it for more children and that’s it! Bearing in mind they all have more than 1 child and wouldn’t have any more anyway irrelevant of any health risks! They have very little understanding of how I feel. I always imaged I would have 3 children and whilst I am very happy with the family I have I do feel that maybe there’s an option for more?

So the saga goes on, In 5 years’ time I might look back at this smiling with a baby or I might be in a totally different situation. I have learnt over the past years not to plan too far ahead and just to go with the flow and take every day as it comes!! Or at least that’s what I try to do!


Always in the back of my mind….

I think no matter how fit and well you are, or how wonderful life is once you have had a cancer scare it’s always in the back of your mind. The happier live gets the scarier it is that it could all be taken away. 

Obviously mine was more than a scare, I survived it and an here to tell the tale but I always wonder what if. So many people are cancer free for ages then it comes back with avengence! 

I watched a film called missing you already the other day about 2 friends one of which gets Breast Cancer. Other than the chemo side of it I could relate to her story. What I couldn’t get my head Round is when her cancer came back and she knew she was going to die. I was sat wondering if I elms prefer to know I was going to die and be able to say good bye or if not knowing would be better do people don’t have to deal with the run up to it knowing what’s going to happen. You hear about people having a bucket list which I understand and totally get however my bucket list would just say cherish every moment with my family. I don’t need to go jump of a bridge to tick a box on a list. To me I would just spend every second of the day I could telling my family I love them. 

The films was so sad and has me in tears as normal. I think because it’s quite close to home anyway but it starts Making you think about life and making the most if it, cherishing every day and most of all telling your loved ones that they are loved every day.

 3 simple words, I LOVE YOU could make all the difference to someone’s day. 

Being a karting mum 

I think people get sick of me talking about karting, it’s all I ever talk about. I have to try and remember that just because something is interesting to me doesn’t mean it’s interesting to anyone else!

It’s hard being in the paddock sometimes as a karting mum. Everyone thinks their kids are the fastest and the best and can do no wrong. Everyone (or most people) are proud of their kids. A child doesn’t have to be sporty, have a fantastic talent or achieve much to make their parents proud. For me it isn’t the karting that makes me proud, (let’s face it Megan isn’t exactly winning British championships!!) but the attitude and ambition of someone so young. Most kids at 12 don’t have a care in the world and if they are not out causing trouble at the weekend they are say bored at home. Megan’s wishing the next year away so she can turn 13 to get a paper round to help pay for karting! And in her spare time if we are not racing she is sat watching you tube videos of the circuits she will be racing at this year. 

I am a realistic karting mum, I don’t think Megan is going to be the next F1 driver or get anywhere near that point! What we go karting for isn’t to start Megan’s motor racing career but more to give her as many opportunities in life as we can and to show her that you can achieve anything if you work hard enough at it but nothing comes easily and if you want results you have to work for them. I think it’s also important to show young people there are more choices out there and you can do something good if you want, obviously at 12 a lot of influence and opportunity comes from the parents but I think kids in sports are good role models for other kids. 

I have very little use on race weekends, I tried to put the tyres on her kart once and put the back ones on the front!! Oooops! I think my main purpose is just to support Megan and cheer her on, even if she isn’t doing that well. Being away every weekend as a family doing something we love is the best thing in the world and we need to make the most of it while Megan’s young!

So now we have started something with karting that we can’t just switch off, we have got the racing bug again and every time we go out it gets more expensive! Always planning the next race meeting or next test weekend not to mention the ongoing need for kart parts and tyres! 

So this year it’s no shoes and clothes allowance, no summer holiday and a lot of overtime!! Realistically we can’t do this forever but you only get once chance at life if we can give Megan a few years of her living the dream then it’s money well spent!! 

Post without a subject!

I have not blogged anything for a while, I don’t even have any hot topic to blog about today, I just feel a post is well overdue so am typing away but not sure what the subject actually is!

So what’s happened since my last post….. Erm……
Well I have been training 3 times a week at the gym for the 2 race for life’s that I am doing. Despite this training I have not lost any weight and don’t feel remotely fitter! I think I need to work a lot harder if I’m going to actually make it over the finish line! Not only that but I have a duty to my sponsors now! People have been so generous, I have raised nearly £600 so far and so am over half way to my target of £1000 for cancer research.

In other news an aeroplane has mysteriously dropped out the sky and nobody has a clue where it is! If that’s not the biggest government cover up ever then I don’t know what is! In this day and age we can put men on the moon yet a plane full of people vanish off the face of the earth and nobody can find it! There’s so wreckage, no debris, no radar yet the relatives get told its in the sea and everyone is dead! Based on what information? It’s all very strange I think but that’s just my opinion!!

And last but not least social networking has amazed me again, this time with the no make up selfie for cancer research! So my Facebook was full of people without make up and of I am honest some were not a pretty sight! Others though were truly beautiful though and the people looked better than with make up on! My reaction to this was not good. I put a status saying there was no way I was going to put a no make up selfie on Facebook! My confidence is low anyway since my mastectomy and I don’t need to put a picture of me looking rough to prove I do my bit for charity……. Famous last words!
It was then on the news that 2 million pounds had been raised by people putting a no make up selfie on then donating £3 to cancer research! How can I slate something like that that has raised that much money, again showing the power of social networking! So I did it, I put my
No make up selfie on and jumped on the bandwagon! Wasn’t my proudest picture but when it helps raise awareness and money for charity then why not! And here it is!! Anyway until next time, ciao for now!!


Are Psychic people actually Psychic?

Are Psychic’s for real or is it just a big con?

Somebody recommended a really good spiritual medium and while this wouldn’t normally be my thing I thought I would have a go!
I rang and booked him giving a false name, I booked for me and a work colleague but on the day she backed out and I persuaded my dads partner to come along.
So we arrived both very sceptical! I went in first and was so nervous!
The first thing he said was that he sensed hospitals and operations, maybe a co-incidence as he didn’t exactly go into detail but given what i have had done in the past few months I thought it was strange it was the first thing he said!
He then went on to describe my husband very accurately and then tell me his exact job and what he is doing at the moment, he knew I had a 10 year old daughter and described her perfectly. He told me to stop worrying about my dad (who had also had cancer) as he is through the worst and going to be just fine. He described my whole life quite accurately and some stuff he couldn’t have even found out off Facebook!
There was a lot of other stuff he said as well that’s very accurate but I can’t remember it all!
I was amazed and kept thinking how could he know this stuff! I hadn’t given my name or said where I was coming from so it would have been difficult for him to Facebook search me!!

Anyway then my dads partner went in and she came out crying! He knew all about a death in the family and it was very emotional to her as the person that died was a baby, not something that he could have possibly known. He said the baby was happy and she needed to stop worrying. He also described some events that took place in a previous relationship she was in, events nobody ever knew about!

So I left amazed, it’s not that I don’t Believe as such but i always try and think of a logical explanation, I honestly can’t though, how could he know this stuff in such detail. Not only that but his readings could be very emotional for some, if not life changing, so surely people wouldn’t con people to that degree, or am I just being gullible?

Either way these psychic people bring a lot of comfort to a lot of people so
That’s surely not a bad thing? I would like to think that when we die it’s not the end and there is something else but nobody has ever come back to tell the tale but as intrigued as I am I
Hope I have to wait a long time to
Find out!!


Summary of 2013

Happy New Year!

Looking at social networking sites it seems 2013 hasn’t been the best for a lot of people! Everybody has something to moan about on Facebook!
For me I will remember 2013 as the year I got breast cancer and had a huge operation which changed my life forever. Despite this i am not one for moaning, I just get on with it, there’s always worse off people and I have so much to be grateful for in my life so I’m not going to let silly illnesses get me down!
Cancer aside though what else do I think of when I think of 2013?
Autograss racing was big for me in 2013. A lot of people say they are going to do something and then don’t do it, well I like to try and make things happen and so a mini was bought, painted, covered in stickers and raced all year! Brilliant and the highlight of my year. I even raced (and won a trophy) 2 days after an operation! My surgeon would have gone mad if I told him but I’m not one to let a small thing like cancer stop me living my life! The funniest thing was that I was worried about hurting myself so stuffed bubble wrap down my race suit to add padding in case I crashed! It wasn’t the most comfortable racing but still managed to come away with a trophy and nobody knew I had been wrapped in bubble wrap!!

So what else in 2013….. Well we had an amazing holiday, it was just after another operation so was a much needed break and I loved every second, I even managed to swim in the sea and has a go at snorkelling which is something I have always been a bit scared to do!
I also got a promotion at work
Which was quite significant. I was a receptionist but have now been promoted to customer services and HR. Makes me feel a little smug which I know is silly but when I left my previous job my boss basically told me I was stupid and making a huge mistake leaving a good job for a temp receptionist role! Well it just shows that life is what you make it and if you work hard you can achieve anything.

So, 2014 what do I hope it brings? One of the big things is to try get used to the new me! Gone was the skinny confident girl who spent a fortune on compulsive online shopping and wouldn’t go on a night out without a camera for selfies!
Instead the new me is not so skinny due to being unable to exercise for long time and the new me avoids cameras at all costs! Not only that but the new me can’t buy random clothes online knowing they will look good because I need to try everything on now as nothing seems to look
That aside though I’m still the same person and I’m sure 2014 will bring more of the same fab things I fill my life with, more racing, more family time and maybe even a new house and a new car at some point!!
I Also plan to run the 10k race for life for cancer research. I can’t run yet as it’s too soon after surgery but hoping to start training soon as I need to get for for that!! I also want to plan an event to raise money for the Benjamin Gautrey foundation so have that to
Think about as well!

Whatever happens in 2014 good or bad I know that with my family by my side I can deal with it and I look forward to the challenges and fun times ahead!

All the best for 2014

Back to work ( Just part time!)

I am very lucky to work for a company that is so understanding of my situation. They had no problem at all when I asked if I could go back part time and work my way back up to full time so I’v been doing a few days here and there!
I’m glad I had this option as I was surprised how tired I felt both mentally and physically after just a few days of work! I would rather that though that staying at home every day… Which brings me on to my main point of this post really, the benefit system and people who don’t work!!
I have had 6 weeks off so far due to illness but it feels like months and has driven me mad! For the first 2-3 weeks I was recovering from an operation and slept a lot so being at home was a good thing but as I got better I got so bored!
My day started about 09.30 when I got up, this is late but making the most of being off! I would then watch tv, around this time Jeremy Kyle is on so DNA and lie detector results galore! I then start housework which if kept on top of doesn’t really need doing but I can make it stretch to a couple of hours till lunch time and then I am done for the day so the next few hours consists of candy crush and loose women!!
I would love to hear from someone that stays at home all day on benefits and just ask exactly what they do all day!! I found myself doing a lot of online shopping but if I was in benefits all day I wouldn’t be able to afford that!
Iv always worked since I was 14 and got a washing up job in a cafe! And my lifestyle has reflected that, I’m not rich and never have been but am proud that on a weekend we can afford to do great stuff because i have worked for it! We have always been involved in racing as long as I can remember and if it wasn’t racing entry fees, tyres, fuel etc then it’s hotels for weekends away, tickets for events, holidays in the sun! All these nice things because we work hard all week and it’s worth it!

It must be nice to have that many kids you don’t need to worry about the rent, council tax, bills etc because the government will pay for you to live, but how many of these jobless benefit scroungers go racing every weekend? Or get a couple of holidays a year? They may live for free but what sort of quality of life is it to never afford a holiday or a weekend away! So then the kids get bored as they have nothing going on in their lives, boredom leads to causing trouble, drinking, smoking, dropping out of school etc and the cycle starts again, kids thinking they don’t need school or a job then getting pregnant to get a house and not have to work! And that’s the normal thing to do for them because they have seen their parents doing it!
May sound like i am
Stereotyping a bit but when you see kids committing crimes, getting pregnant and dropping out of school then the first place to look for a reason is the parents and what sort of example they are setting their kids by sitting around all day letting the government pay for them, and when they get a bit skint they have more kids!!
Completely controversial thing to say and against all human rights but I would love to put a system in place where if you can’t afford kids your not allowed to have them and you have to go get a job and put something back into society before costing us tax payers and hard workers millions of pounds a year In benefits!

I must say before I finish this post that I am aware not everyone is like this and some people can genuinely not work for medical reasons or being made redundant etc. I Also think it’s good to stay at home with the kids when they are dead young, it’s an important time with important milestones not to be missed so would never slag off someone staying at home with their babies then maybe return to work once the kids start school.
It’s the people that have the kids when they can’t afford them in the first place that bugs me, they have no money, have a baby then get a house from the government and everything paid for!

Anyway must sleep as I have that strange thing tomorrow called work! Then at the weekend we have a night out planned Friday if I feel well enough followed by 2 days karting at Sunderland, oh and Sunday lunch chucked in as well!
Wonder what the teenagers with 5 kids are doing this weekend?!

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