Through My Eyes

Some people say I talk too much, that I always have a story to tell. I don't know what's round the corner so my blog is about life through my eyes and making every day count.

Archive for the tag “confidence”

I’m The start of a new normal!

Defining the word normal is not easy, what is normal to one person is strange to another.

When I got told I had to have a mastectomy I was not upset at all, I was more annoyed at the inconvenience that and in my mind the sooner I had it done the sooner I could get back to normal. You get assigned a Macmillan nurse when you get cancer, someone who is there at any time to answer any questions you have or just for general support. My
nurse said to me that after my operation I need to find a new normal. At the time I thought what a strange comment but it’s only now I fully understand what she meant.

Nights out for me didn’t happen very often but when they did I would be known for wearing the shortest dress and biggest heels! I love clothes so getting dressed up was a real treat!
So New year this year I decided I was well enough for a night out…..2 hours later after trying on 10 dresses I chucked on a pair of jeans and some heels and was ready.
There’s nothing better than putting on a little dress, looking in the mirror at a great figure and feeling a million dollars, going out knowing you will turn heads. Sounds a bit arrogant but give a girl the right outfit and right pair of shoes and they can conquer the world!
Unfortunately that’s not the case for me, I put on a dress now, look in the mirror and just see a deformed overweight frumpy looking horror! When I tell people that’s how I see myself they just humour me and say don’t be silly but it’s not exactly like they are going to agree! The thing is that I know all it takes is a bit of exercise and my confidence will come back but I’m in no state to exercise as I’m still sore from the operation and get a lot of pain so not sure what the solution is yet.
So new year I wore jeans out but I couldn’t wear jeans last night when we attended a racing awards dinner with a dress code.
The dress I ended up wearing was one I never thought I would wear. I bought it online from an expensive boutique but when it arrived I hated it, it looked far too long and I didn’t like the material. I forgot to send it back but who would have thought a year later I would be so glad I had it.
When I put it on I couldn’t believe how long it was, it was knee length, the longest dress I have ever worn! That aside it was the most flattering out of all my dresses and I felt classy and smart all night.
This is where the new normal comes in, a year ago I would never be seen in a knee length dress, all mine were mini dresses some even backless or low cut showing lots of flesh! I can’t imagine ever being confident enough to dress like that again so now I need to adjust to a different look even if it’s not what I normally go for. I need to Make these changes my new normal
So when I get dressed up to go out I still feel a million dollars but don’t have to worry about my scars and war wounds as such being on show!
It’s going to be difficult but hopefully in time this new change will become my normal and my confidence will build back up. Even now when I go shopping I need to get into the habit of looking at different clothes and different styles! I’m not going to be one of those overweight people that wear clothes that look too small for them or show off far more flesh that anyone wants to see!
Its funny because I now realise that it’s not just a case of having an operation then back to normal like I hoped. So much had changed for me. I refuse to let cancer win and take over my life so rather than continue trying to get it s
How it was I need to concentrate on finding my new normal!

Thundersport motorcycle racing awards dinner and the frumpy black dress I didn’t like!!

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Reflecting on the new me… And what i have lost

So now the operation has been done… I am at home recovering.
The past few weeks have been a nightmare that I spent most of the time sleeping through where I could dream about nicer things and pretend it was not happening. Then I would wake up and feel the pain and realise that the nightmare is real life and I am living it.
There were 2 things that got me through the last few weeks, the first one being my amazing family and the second being the fact I kept telling myself that there are people in the world going through worse times than me, suffering more pain, and in actual fact I am lucky that a few months of pain should hopefully get rid of the cancer for good and that’s got to be a good thing! Always trying to find the positive!

So now I am home, the pain is much better, its manageable with pain killers and I am up and about a lot more. I had my first hospital appointment yesterday since the operation, I had all the drains removed and the dressings taken off. Up until this point I had not looked at my appearance and tried to forget the fact I have a new boob, bruises scars and swelling! So when all the dressings came off at the hospital and I got asked if I would like to look in the mirror I didn’t know what to say. It is almost like by looking in the mirror I had to accept the fact my body is no longer what it used to be, my appearance has dramatically changed and I need to realise that!
So I looked in the mirror…. the first thing I looked at was my back first, not sure why, I just turned and looked at the scars first before looking at the results! The Scar was pretty big, bruised and unattractive but despite that scars have never really bothered me so the look of that wasn’t an issue! Then I turned to the front and slowly removed my hands from my chest to see the work.
I wasn’t as shocked as I expected to be but it was a shock all the same, In replace of my previous boob was a large football like object that was bruised, swollen and not very attractive! The nurse insisted that it is still very swollen and the bruises and swelling will reduce so not to worry too much! All the same I couldn’t see it as part of me, I just felt like it was something stuck on the front of my body that didn’t belong to me! It didn’t feel part of my body at all and was quite scary to look at! I know this is something I am going to have to get used to and hopefully as time goes by I will start to feel like a part of my body.

Before all this happened and I had this operation I was quite a confident person, I mean you have to be quite confident to be able to be a brolly girl put a lycra outfit on and walk around a motorcycle paddock smiling for strangers to take pictures! That aside though as that was years ago I have always had self confidence. Don’t get me wrong I know I have major floors, I would like to lose a bit of weight, don’t like my teeth, hate my nose, and could do with toning up but overall I manage to put my make up on, get dressed up and feel confident about myself!
As this process has unravelled my confidence has slowly gone down hill, Despite wanting to lose a few pounds and not being amazingly stunning I have always had my boobs going for me and so without them my confidence has plummeted a bit. not only that but when your in hospital a lot then at home all day you stop wearing the nice outfits and end up slobbing in Pyjamas without any makeup so its not exactly like you feel great about yourself!
I have attached a few pictures to this blog to remind myself what I used to look like and I hope to get that confidence back in time. Every girl no matter what they look like should be confident in their body and feel happy but at the moment it’s not happening! if anyone came near me with a camera at the moment I would run a mile so fast so I am hoping that as I start to recover I will get my confidence back.

Being confident does not mean that I love myself or have a big ego, To me being confident is accepting what I look like, accepting who and what I am and being happy with that, Being able to walk in a room and silently thinking look this is me, rather than shying away hoping nobody notices me and notices all my floors and what I hate about myself! Hopefully soon I will come to terms with by new shape and wear my scars proudly. I may have lost a Part of my body and a lot of confidence but it’s a small price to pay to get rid of the nasty disease that is cancer. There’s no point being devastated about this when it’s potentially saved my life and that’s not a bad thing!

Superbikes 2010 Cyprus wedding 2011 Posing STA50335

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