Through My Eyes

Some people say I talk too much, that I always have a story to tell. I don't know what's round the corner so my blog is about life through my eyes and making every day count.

Archive for the category “Life”

And so it goes on 

So out of hospital a week, The bronchoscopy was last Thursday and that went well. It was the first time Megan had a general anaesthetic and she was so poorly afterwards, she had a fever and was quite sick but luckily it only lasted a night. 

Then there was the bank holiday, really good weekend, sunny weather and lazy days in the garden. Then came the bank holiday Monday and Megan’s chest got bad again, starting with the cough then the shortness of breaths and at 5.35 we packed a bag and headed Back to hospital. 

1 night in intensive care later we are back on the normal ward and showing no sign of going home soon. Great half term this is going to be for Megan. 

So 3 nights in I’m lay in bed yet again without Megan at home and it’s so difficult knowing she is at hospital on her own.  We have been doing this for 5 months now and it doesn’t get any easier. Financially it takes its toll with all the time off work, the fuel and extra money spent. It’s also mentally draining, all the worry and stress and then trying to be focused at work as well. It’s so hard, I just want my girl home without the worry of her going back to hospital again. 

Progress

Wednesday the 17th May 2017…. 

picked Megan up from hospital to take her to another hospital for a CT scan, the long awaited CT scan than was going to solve all the doctors problems! Following the CT scan we had an appointment at Newcastle RVI. It was a referral I had requested to try and get some answers. On arrival we parked in the multi storey and were wowed by the size of the hospital. Very modern and  good facilities. We went to outpatients and again were very impressed by the clinic and it’s organisation, everything colour coded and running to time. 

We had been to referred to see Mike Mcean who is the top guy at this hospital and waist a guy he was! We learnt more about asthma in the hour we were there than we had in 5 months of trying to find answers. He brought up other things that hadn’t been mentioned before such as anxiety and worry, something to think about as life as a teenager is never straight forward! 

He booked Megan straight in for a bronchoscopy for a week later and so put a plan in place going forward. For the first time in 5 months I feel Megan might be making progress. It’s the best feeling in the world!

Just shows what a different opinion and different hospital can do! I know everyone at a consultant level is at a high standard and expert in their area but sometimes a second set of eyes on the situation can make all the difference. Hopefully now we will get some answers and be able to move forwards! 

Our 5 month struggle 

And so it goes on… I have mentioned in previous posts about Megan’s asthma causing us problems and how it never stops her doing anything, well 5 months into the year and we are still in hospital struggling to get answers. Ok so we have not been in for 5 months in total but I think the longest we have been at home is 2 weeks.

We talk about her asthma but this could be something different yet, we are unsure. Megan had terrible chest pains in January which we were told were muscular, turns out it was pluracy after a terrible chest infection hadn’t been treated. Since then we have had numerous ICU visits and spent most of a 5 month period in hospital. Megan has had the strongest tablets and anti biotics in hospital and yet the infection and fluid still comes back, builds up then restricts her airways. The hospital seem to be fixing her while she’s in hospital so that her obs look good then sending her home when really we are no further forward! Last time we were out of hospital for 5 days before the fluid was back and straight back into intensive care. 

So where are we now, Megan’s still in hospital on the usual antibiotics and steroids and we have a CT scan booked for Wednesday. I have also asked to be referred to Newcastle hospital to get a second opinion. Hopefully we will get some answers soon although in my opinion this shouldn’t have gone on for 5 months!! 

The hospital is 45 min away so going to work all day then to hospital is tiring. 

For the past 5 months we have tried to juggle work, housework, eating and sleeping and being at hospital as much as we can for Megan. 

Poor Megan hasn’t seen her friends for months or played football or been to school really. She always smiles though and that keeps me going. 

Feeling physically and mentally exhausted but have to keep going and hopefully we will get our life back soon! 

Tick Tock… Tick Tock…

TICK….TOCK….TICK….TOCK

So Life is good at the moment, well all things considered!

We have been living in the house a year now and it is going great, slowly adding our own personal touch to it and making it wonderful!

Megan’s karting is great and we love our race weekends away racing as well as our weekends at home in the garden. I have a lovely family that make me very happy and all is blissfully good!!

So the scene was this…. It was one sunny afternoon, sat in the garden with a cold cider with the BBQ on and the sun on my face, Megan was playing on the trampoline and my Husband Gardening! I suddenly thought how nice it would be to have more children running round the garden! It had never occurred to me before that I might want more children but now that I have almost everything I could want, a family, the perfect house etc I thought actually it could be something to think about. A little brother or sister for Megan, what would she think to that!!

Following the thoughts of cute baby grows and family bbq’s, my mind strayed to my health and my age, Whilst I am only 32 I am on Tamoxifen for 10 years and I would have to come off that in order to have more children. This would not be an easy decision to make. For a start I was advised I need to be on it for at least 3 years! Currently I am at 2 years and 7 months so got a while to go yet before I could even consider it, then I would have to be off it for a while before trying and then there’s the risk involved.

Coming off Tamoxifen would mean I am at an increased risk of the cancer returning. The consultant couldn’t give me any exact figures but just said the risk would be increased. Now I am never one known for playing it safe, If I want something I am normally happy to take a risk to get it however when the risk is my health I can’t rush into anything. I just keep thinking in my head that if I had another baby and then in a years’ time something happened and I got the cancer back then I couldn’t live with myself knowing I had played a part in that by coming off the tamoxifen.

I know it sounds a bit extreme but imagine if it got really bad and got worse and then I left my family all for another baby. I am maybe over thinking it but these are all the things going through my head. Should I concentrate on the family I have got and not be selfish or should I run the risk of it coming back to extend my family further.

These are all things I have been thinking about then to add to it all my consultant says that due to some new guidelines or something I now fall into the category of genetic testing to see if my cancer was caused by a faulty gene! I will write another blog post on this as it’s a whole new drama in itself but it gives me even more to think about as could seriously affect decisions over having children. I am currently waiting for some genetic test results to come back but trying not to think about that at the moment!

In an ideal world I wouldn’t even be having this dilemma now and would just go with the flow and see what happens but in the back of my mind all I can hear is Tick Tock Tick Tock which is the timer running down as I get older and my window for having more children gets smaller! I am only 32 so maybe need to calm down a bit as I have a few years yet but time seems to go so fast. I Didn’t worry about age till I hit 30 but now I’m looking ahead to 40!

I did put some posts on a forum to speak to anyone that has been in this situation and come off Tamoxifen to have children but not a lot came back. I have spoken to some people at work who are a little older than me and they say they wouldn’t even risk it for more children and that’s it! Bearing in mind they all have more than 1 child and wouldn’t have any more anyway irrelevant of any health risks! They have very little understanding of how I feel. I always imaged I would have 3 children and whilst I am very happy with the family I have I do feel that maybe there’s an option for more?

So the saga goes on, In 5 years’ time I might look back at this smiling with a baby or I might be in a totally different situation. I have learnt over the past years not to plan too far ahead and just to go with the flow and take every day as it comes!! Or at least that’s what I try to do!

 

A bad week

Any parent knows that one of the worst things in the world is when your child is poorly. There’s nothing worse than seeing your child in pain or not feeling well and knowing there’s not s huge amount you can do about it. 

Megan is now 11 years old and suffers from Asthma on a severe level. It started when she was just a baby and developed a cough that turned into breathing difficulties and a hospital visit. This was repeated twice a year until she was 5 and Asthma was diagnosed. Since then we have at least 2 hospital visits a year some which result in a week in intensive care on machines recovering. 

The thing about Megan’s Asthma Is that when she is well she is as healthy as the average child. Megan is very sporty and plays on the school Football team, Netball team, plays cricket and rugby and is on the Athletics and cross country team. Not to mention karting! I am so proud of Megan, at any point she could have a serious Asthma attack but doesn’t let that stop her doing anything. 

The thing with Asthma is that an attack can happen at any time, and last week out the blue it did. Tuesday morning Megan woke up and couldn’t breath. An hour later we were in hospital on nebulisers which then turned into spending the week there as her lung function was that low she couldn’t go without oxygen and constant nebulisers. The doctors told me if she didn’t improve we would be going round to the HDU to try and get her lungs working better. 

As a mum it’s the scariest thing in the world to know that your child’s lungs aren’t working of functioning very well. It’s hearbreaking to see her there struggling to breath and relying on the oxygen and trying not to panic as she struggles for breath! 

So a week in hospital then home to recover, not the best week ever but something we are quite used to. I sometimes sit and think what if… What If we are not there next time, what if school don’t recognise the signs, what if there’s nobody to help her next time, what if it’s worse next time? I have to put it to the back of my mind because I will just sit and worry and get in a right state over the reality of it. 

Megan has told me no matter how bad her asthma gets she won’t let it stop her doing her sports. Most kids these days are sat in front of the TV eating junk food so I’m so proud of Megan’s attitude. 

So next weekend back to Rowrah karting. Megan has begged all week so thought we would give it a go, she seems back to full health now, until next time!  

   

Work…. The Pursuit of Happiness!

I Have always worked hard, got my first Job when I was about 13 washing up in a restaurant and from then went on to have various jobs alongside school then college.

One Job I was very proud of was a job I got as a sales Executive at an Oil company selling Oil to food manufacturers. I worked my way up from admin to Sales Executive and loved my customers and the job I did.
Selling Oil was exciting as was the Oil trade, currency and markets, a lot to learn but I loved it and became very good at it.
I sold some big contracts to some big names and made the company a lot of money, i was proud of myself that I was doing well. Unfortunately this soon changed when my fantastic manager retired and the bosses daughter took his role. Not much older than me and a typical upper class snob she came into the business looking down her nose at everyone. The thing was that she wasn’t better than anyone else, she just acted like she was and as a result turned everyone against her and that was just the staff never mind the customers who were equally as put off. Her people skills were non existent and as a result everyone hated her, she had people in tears most weeks and a lot of people were unhappy. The relaxed atmosphere we worked in changed to an almost silent open plan office with no buzz to it and the only noise you ever heard was when someone was getting a Bollocking or being spoken to like crap! All these ridiculous rules came into place like no eating at your desk, no mobile phones, no messing around, oh and a tidy desk policy controlled with a red card system! We soon nicknamed her Hitler as it felt like we were being controlled in some awful regime by a devil woman!
To add to that everything we did was scrutinised, we got the most patronising emails all the time telling us what to do and say and all our emails were monitored so everyone knew what we were doing at all times!
It was worse than being in prison! Everyone started leaving and the staff turn around was quite vast! I thought it was a joke when they got nominated for employer of the year but then realised they will have just nominated themselves!!
I remember my daughter had an asthma attack one day and was in intensive care in hospital so was very serious and we were beside ourselves. The last thing I expected was a phone call from work asking if I am taking the day off unpaid or as a holiday?? To be honest at that time work wasn’t even important as I’m sat at my daughters hospital bed but that was typical of them, no people skills and an appalling HR department. The worst thing was that the HR department was run by the bosses daughter, the very person everyone wanted to complain about but never did as she was HR!
The funny thing is that despite all the bad stuff we did have good days, there were days where she (hitler) was so kind and nice you thought she must have a personality after all but then when you didn’t do something she liked or the way she wanted and you saw the other side to her which wasn’t nice.
To me Sales is all about the person selling not the company and that company had some good sales people, one of them being one of the best in the industry yet they lost us all due to 1 person treating us badly.
Anyway I decided enough was enough and when a reception Job came up at a local bus company I went for the job and got it. The job was only a temp job and a lot less money and some would say it was a step down from traveling around the UK selling oil but i just needed to leave the nightmare of a job I was in and find happiness. I knew I was better than to be looked down on and spoken to badly every day so decided enough was enough!
I genuinely think my resignation was a shock but given that 3 other people in my team had quit that month already I’m surprised they didn’t see it coming!
The sales team was suddenly disappearing underneath them and they couldn’t figure out why! I was totally honest with my reasons for leaving but they are so up there own arses that my opinion and resignation won’t have made a difference!
I remember clearly as I was leaving one day she (hitler!) called me aside and asked me to change my mind about leaving, I said no chance and my decision was final and she said she couldn’t Believe I was leaving a great job for a poxy receptionist job at a bus company and i was making a big mistake! It was quite intimidating but just clarified in my mind that I was doing the right thing! I was quite scared to be leaving a well paid job that was secure and paid the bills but I knew I had to take the risk and hope it paid off!
So it’s been over a year now at my new job as a receptionist, the only thing I didn’t like was the smaller wage but I just cut back on the shoes I bought! The company are fantastic, I work hard, do my job and get appreciated. We have a laugh alongside work and nobody gets treated badly or spoken to like crap. It made me realise what it’s like to be appreciated at work.

So then i dropped the Bombshell I had cancer and was going to be off work for a while, I know it’s not my fault but I did worry what they would think.
Obviously the worrying was for nothing and they have been fantastic. Before I left I then got called into a meeting and offered a job in customer services and HR and not be the receptionist anymore! I was gobsmscked, there’s me saying I’m going on the sick for months and they offer me a promotion! Just shows hard work pays off!!

I haven’t got a date to go back yet it is likely to be after Christmas and into the transport office for a new challenge. I didn’t join this company with the plan to get promoted, I left my old job in search of happiness and I have found it at this job. I feel that I am mentally sticking 2 fingers up at my old boss and saying F*** you Bitch, look at me now! Everyone thought I was making a huge mistake leaving a well paid secure job for a dead end receptionist job well I have proven them all wrong!!

I think my point really for this post is that if your unhappy then don’t just stay unhappy while life passes you by. Before you know it you will be old and looking back on life with regrets. Taking a risk is scary but it’s a risk worth taking if you think it will find you the happiness you deserve.
People spend aprox 8 hours a day working which is a big fraction of their lives to waste being unhappy! Life is short so make the most of your time being Happy in what your doing!

Is Gullible the same as stupid?

While watching Celebrity Juice with Joey Essex my husband and I were laughing at how little he knew about stuff in general, he didn’t know where Danish Bacon came from, What country borders Wales, the name of Jesus’s mother! Now while I was laughing thinking what an idiot I then began to think of all the things I have said that could be classed as thick, stupid, dumb etc etc.
Now I don’t see myself as thick or stupid, I work hard at everything I do and succeed yet I surprise myself every now and again with the comments I come out with. Some could be classed as stupid perhaps but a lot are due to me being a little bit (or a lot) gullible! People can tell me things and sound serious enough so I will believe them!
People say to me I could write a book with all my comments! So Here are a few, is it just stupidness? Gullibility? Just plain dumb or a bit of all the above?!

1) while visiting Anglesey race circuit right by the sea which contains 2 big wind turbines I say ” I’m sick of it being windy, I wish they would turn those stupid Fans off!”

2) “Do they have to close the motorway to change the bulbs in the cats eyes”

3) After seeing a flash range rover with Kahn written on the back I got very excited that Amir Kahn must own it & insisted my husband followed him to see where he was going! My husband obviously made me aware of my mistake!!

4) Walking round Osmotherley Reservoir I had my head facing the sky the whole time trying to spot the apparent Honey Bears my husband said lived in the trees!!

5) Blubberhouses Reservoir in Lancashire is named that due to all the whales in the reservoir…. Or so my husband told me!

6) Oh great it’s raining and it’s that annoying rain that gets you wet!!

7) while arguing with my husband – “stop picking at hairs” he told me the term is stop splitting hairs, still not sure what it means!!

8) We can’t put the new tumble dryer in the conservatory as it won’t have access to the water pipes!

9) What trains have Wheels? I thought they were like Scalelectrix cars on a runner thing, iv never seen a train with wheels!!

10) Are Charlie chaplain and Hitler the same person?

That’s just a few things on a long list of things iv either said or believed to be true! But I don’t see myself as thick, then again I suppose Joey Essex doesn’t either and he doesn’t know how many sides a square has!! I think it’s fair to say I wouldn’t be the ideal candidate for the pub quiz team! I find I am always the person who doesn’t get jokes, well not straight away but maybe a few hours later the penny drops and I suddenly get the joke and laugh out loud when it’s not actually funny anymore!! Or sometimes I just laugh even though I don’t get the joke!
I would like to think while I’m sat laughing at Joey Essex people are not doing the same thing every time I open my mouth without thinking first!!

Paul Walker – Died doing what he loved

I woke up Sunday morning to the news that Movie star Paul Walker had been killed in a high speed crash as as passenger in a Porsche GT. Then I looked at the articles on the Internet I was faced with horrific pictures of a crash scene and a mangled car completely burnt out. Very shocking scenes.
One of the first things I thought was a great feel of sadness followed by the irony that Paul was Famous for the Fast and Furious films performing dangerous driving stunts and driving at speed and then this is how he came to the end of his life. My second thought was that I hoped the impact killed him instantly as being trapped in a car on fire doesn’t bear thinking about at all.
It’s quite strange how the mind, and people think, and work. People die every day in car accidents and 9 people died the night before when a police helicopter crashed into a pub but Social networking sites were full of tributes to Paul Walker. He wasn’t actually the only one in the car either, Racing car Driver Roger Rodas was the driver yet his name doesn’t really get a mention either. I am not criticising this really as if I am honest all I could think about was sadness for Paul Walker but I think it’s interesting how because he was a well known celebrity it’s almost like we knew him and mourn for him more than any of the just as tragic deaths over the past few days.
That aside though it is very sad to be taken so suddenly at just 40 years old leaving all his friends and a 15 year old daughter behind. It makes you really think about life when something unexpected like that happens. He was a healthy man living life to the full and then out the blue suddenly he has gone.
Nobody knows what’s round the corner and I don’t think people should assume they will live till their old as you just don’t know.
Obviously I don’t mean walk around thinking your a ticking time bomb but at the same time if you have a dream, an ambition or a plan then don’t leave it, if you have family or friends you don’t speak to or people you don’t see as
Much as you would like then now is the time to do it, you just never know when it’s going to be too late.
I saw a statement online that Paul Walker said once – “If one day the speed kills me then do not cry as I was smiling”

Rip Paul Walker and Roger Rodas

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Life isn’t getting back to normal as quick as I’d like!!

So it’s been a week or so since my last appointment at hospital, this was the appointment where I was pretty much told the worst is over and just to get better now, I was also prescribed the drug tamoxifen for 10 years which I have since started taking. So to me things were looking up, no chemo needed, no radiotherapy, just a tablet a day along with my painkillers and I will soon Be better!
They say you shouldn’t wish your life away but I really want to get back to normal and put this whole cancer thing behind me. That’s the attitude I have had throughout. Rather than feel upset or devastated I have remained positive throughout, in fact I have not shed 1 single tear over it. Everyone says it’s life changing having cancer but I didn’t see it as a life changing thing, to me it was a complete inconvenience that was interrupting my life and the sooner it was sorted the sooner I could carry on as normal!
My life was so great before this happened, we were away racing motorbikes or cars every weekend, I have a job I loved and had just been offered a promotion and we were starting to decorate our little house to get a bigger house next year and then after that maybe look at having more children!

The funny thing is that I have done everything in my power to not let cancer drag me down, even when i
felt so rubbish after the operation I still managed a smile, yet now after all that I am on the road to recovery and feeling lower than I have throughout the whole thing! Really I should be happy now!

I think reality is setting in that recovery is not an overnight process and my life isn’t going to be back to normal as soon as I would like. I have developed a thing called a Seroma where I have fluid on my back under the skin am sloshing around like a hot water bottle! I was hoping this would go over time but it seems to have got worse so I am going to have to go to the hospital and get it drained!
The Tamoxifen has started to have side effects now, I feel quite moody (more than normal) and get these awful hot flushes that are horrible! I get so bloated as well oh and I’m quite tired yet can’t sleep and feel a bit sick on them.
I tried a trip out to the metro centre yesterday for a bit of Christmas shopping and after half an hour was so hot that I felt sick then my back started throbbing and I had to sit down then go home!
It’s been 4 weeks since the operation and I hear about so many women who are getting back to normal and I feel I should be doing more now but instead I just can’t get out of bed on a morning and have no motivation to do anything! I feel I should be looking to go back to work soon or doing something productive every day but I just feel stuck in a rut!

I am such an active positive happy person so for me to feel like this and want to stay in bed a day in unusual and I hope I snap out of it soon! Maybe once I have my back drained that will help the pain and then I hope my body gets used to the tamoxifen so the side effects ease and then maybe I will start feeling more positive!

More results and news!

So I got a letter through the post with an appointment for the 3rd Dec. I didn’t understand this at all, surely I couldn’t be expected to wait till the 3rd Dec for results?!
I rang my point of contact (the breast care nurse) straight away and just got voicemail. I then spent the rest of the day ringing her, the ward, the clinic and every number I had but nobody picked up. It was 6.30 pm when I finally got hold of her. She didn’t know anything about the appointment but said she could look on the computer for my results.
So here we are, the results!
She started reading them out and it was all medical terms I had never heard of, I was trying to write them down to google when I got off the phone! The main part of the results is that they have found a small area where the cancer cells are not in the ducts anymore so now classed as invasive. The good news is that the areas were very small and only grade 1.

It was quite difficult being told this over the phone because as much as I wanted to know, it was the nurse telling me so not the consultants so she couldn’t answer a lot of my questions. I will have an appointment next week to find out what treatment I have to have following this new discovery.

Whenever I tell anyone the new results they are all so positive which is good to be but sometimes I don’t think they actually understand or have a clue what a big deal this is!

The funny this is though that I am actually struggling to say the C word out loud! Is that normal?! I mean before these results I was telling everyone I had DCIS, so when people asked me I explained I had DCIS and did not even mention the word cancer! Now it’s invasive I need to face the fact that it is breast cancer and try telling people this. Someone asked the other day and I started talking about DCIS and invasive and Allsorts and they looked so confused! I am sure if I just said Breast Cancer then I would have made more sense but couldn’t say it!

One way I have found some support is in the way of a Facebook group aimed at younger women with breast cancer. I joined this group but didn’t expect much as I have joined forums before and not has many answers to my questions and posts. The first thing I liked was everyone saying welcome to me, I thought this was so nice. I then started looking at the people in the group and the people replying to me, as strange as it sounds the people were like me, they were young and pretty (not saying I’m pretty) and spoke like me like on the same wavelength!
When I was in hospital everyone on the ward was at least 50 years old, now I’m saying it is any easier getting the diagnosis as am older woman as it isn’t but I felt like I was the odd one out and on the wrong ward!
So I start posting in the group and I got so many replies. I have only been in the group 2 days and feel like I’m part of something, like I’m not alone and; these women are so easy to speak to and so nice. I am really glad I found this group.
So the wait goes on, only till next week though to find out what treatment I am having.
Despite this bad news I still feel ok, I don’t feel like crying or being negative, yes it’s worse than the DCIS but it’s only grade 1 cancer so perfectly treatable. Yes it’s not great but there’s a lot of people that I have met throughout this journey that are a lot worse and so I’m not going to get down about this and make a big deal out of it!

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