Through My Eyes

Some people say I talk too much, that I always have a story to tell. I don't know what's round the corner so my blog is about life through my eyes and making every day count.

It’s slowly starting to sink in!

So I am lay here in bed unable to sleep so
Thought it would be a good time to
Blog!
So I saw my dad and his partner at the weekend, the first time since my operation and since the news Its now grade 1. His partner asked me if I was gutted and how I felt, I said I am fine and coping fine, she then replied it must be hard to be told you have breast cancer….
It was that exact moment I felt like I had been punched in the stomach, I felt sick, it was strange because she wasn’t telling me anything new!
When I think about this whole process I realise that nobody has ever sat down with me and said those words – you have cancer. I read lots of stories from women who have been told the diagnosis and felt devastated but I have never had that feeling.
Going back to the beginning I got told I had DCIS which was then described as cancerous cells. Even after all the tests, scans, meetings etc nobody actually used the word cancer, even when telling me I needed a mastectomy. It was all medical terms I didn’t understand and cancer wasn’t mentioned! Even when I got told the results the other day they used every other term other than cancer!
Despite being a bit anxious over the mastectomy I still felt ok about things and in my mind was just thinking when I could return to work and get back to normal. Everyone kept saying its a life changing operation but to me there was nothing life changing about it, as far as I was concerned it was a small inconvenience in my life and the sooner I got better the sooner I got back to
Normal!
I remember the consultant saying to me it’s not a short process I need to stop expecting its going to be sorted in a month!
As I lie here now thinking about it all, I am starting to realise this problem won’t go away over night. It’s not going to be a case of a bit of surgery then life goes on as normal! I think that’s the worse bit for me, not the fact that I have cancer (I can’t say that out loud yet!) but more that it’s a long journey that isn’t going to be over as quick as I would like.
I find out tomorrow what treatment I am having. I am not 100 percent sure but am pretty certain it won’t he chemo thank god as the cancer is very small and low grade. From information I have read i think it will be Tamoxifen drug and maybe radiotherapy. Tamoxifen is a hormone blocker so still comes with side effects! Even if I get just the tamoxifen it’s a drug ladies take for years, not just a months prescription!
I think it’s starting to sink in what’s actually happening which is probably about time seeming as it has been going on a year!
Anyway will see what they say tomorrow and try not to worry too much about it, I just tell myself to man up and stop stressing as there’s a lot of ladies worse off than me and going through a lot worse so rather than get down about it all I am trying to focus on the positives!

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