Reflecting on the new me… And what i have lost
So now the operation has been done… I am at home recovering.
The past few weeks have been a nightmare that I spent most of the time sleeping through where I could dream about nicer things and pretend it was not happening. Then I would wake up and feel the pain and realise that the nightmare is real life and I am living it.
There were 2 things that got me through the last few weeks, the first one being my amazing family and the second being the fact I kept telling myself that there are people in the world going through worse times than me, suffering more pain, and in actual fact I am lucky that a few months of pain should hopefully get rid of the cancer for good and that’s got to be a good thing! Always trying to find the positive!
So now I am home, the pain is much better, its manageable with pain killers and I am up and about a lot more. I had my first hospital appointment yesterday since the operation, I had all the drains removed and the dressings taken off. Up until this point I had not looked at my appearance and tried to forget the fact I have a new boob, bruises scars and swelling! So when all the dressings came off at the hospital and I got asked if I would like to look in the mirror I didn’t know what to say. It is almost like by looking in the mirror I had to accept the fact my body is no longer what it used to be, my appearance has dramatically changed and I need to realise that!
So I looked in the mirror…. the first thing I looked at was my back first, not sure why, I just turned and looked at the scars first before looking at the results! The Scar was pretty big, bruised and unattractive but despite that scars have never really bothered me so the look of that wasn’t an issue! Then I turned to the front and slowly removed my hands from my chest to see the work.
I wasn’t as shocked as I expected to be but it was a shock all the same, In replace of my previous boob was a large football like object that was bruised, swollen and not very attractive! The nurse insisted that it is still very swollen and the bruises and swelling will reduce so not to worry too much! All the same I couldn’t see it as part of me, I just felt like it was something stuck on the front of my body that didn’t belong to me! It didn’t feel part of my body at all and was quite scary to look at! I know this is something I am going to have to get used to and hopefully as time goes by I will start to feel like a part of my body.
Before all this happened and I had this operation I was quite a confident person, I mean you have to be quite confident to be able to be a brolly girl put a lycra outfit on and walk around a motorcycle paddock smiling for strangers to take pictures! That aside though as that was years ago I have always had self confidence. Don’t get me wrong I know I have major floors, I would like to lose a bit of weight, don’t like my teeth, hate my nose, and could do with toning up but overall I manage to put my make up on, get dressed up and feel confident about myself!
As this process has unravelled my confidence has slowly gone down hill, Despite wanting to lose a few pounds and not being amazingly stunning I have always had my boobs going for me and so without them my confidence has plummeted a bit. not only that but when your in hospital a lot then at home all day you stop wearing the nice outfits and end up slobbing in Pyjamas without any makeup so its not exactly like you feel great about yourself!
I have attached a few pictures to this blog to remind myself what I used to look like and I hope to get that confidence back in time. Every girl no matter what they look like should be confident in their body and feel happy but at the moment it’s not happening! if anyone came near me with a camera at the moment I would run a mile so fast so I am hoping that as I start to recover I will get my confidence back.
Being confident does not mean that I love myself or have a big ego, To me being confident is accepting what I look like, accepting who and what I am and being happy with that, Being able to walk in a room and silently thinking look this is me, rather than shying away hoping nobody notices me and notices all my floors and what I hate about myself! Hopefully soon I will come to terms with by new shape and wear my scars proudly. I may have lost a Part of my body and a lot of confidence but it’s a small price to pay to get rid of the nasty disease that is cancer. There’s no point being devastated about this when it’s potentially saved my life and that’s not a bad thing!